Why on Earth is the penny considered worthless?

With all of the talk about getting rid of the penny because it’s getting so expensive to make - and let's face it, nobody really cares about it and it's really more of a nuisance than anything else, second only to the Canadian penny - I set about brainstorming a short list of alternative uses for the Lincoln cent. Some of them are a little risky, and if you think they’re funny, shame on you.

1. As a tire tread checker. Let's start with the common-place and well-known. Place penny in tire tread with Honest Abe’s head sticking into tread. If you can see the top of his head, then you should replace the tires, because they’re about to explode.
2. As a team-building exercise. This came to mind as I remembered how in elementary school when we were wrapping up our monetary unit the teacher had us all do an exercise where we were instructed to draw a penny from memory. The teacher pretty much laughed at our pictures and put them up on the wall, which didn’t really sit well with me at the time, since it was the product of 20 minutes that my 1st grade brain had just wracked over. Anyways, that's how to build a sense of unity. All of us first graders had officially united against our teacher.
3. As an excursion into survivalism. Hoard the copper ones (pre-1982, if I've done my research correctly) for when commodities go through the roof and the dam breaks loose. Also consider buying guns and ammunition, and learning how to shoot, because others will want to rob you. Of your pennies. Really! But only after they get all of your gold, your canned food, your candles and matches, and your complete boxed set of the seasons of House. Pretty much, like in Zombieland.
4. As a fuse replacement. Just be sure to use pre-1982 pennies, because they’re the ones that are mostly copper. And, by the way, if you do use one in this way, what on earth were you thinking? It’s dangerous. Come on now, use that common *cents* of yours!
5. As a prank. I'm sure you've all heard of this one. A classic. Put some Super-Glue on one side and adhere it to a surface in a well-traveled location. Point and laugh at passersby as he/she tries to pick it up. Punk'd!
6. As an aid to teaching orders of magnitude. Check out The Megapenny Project: http://www.kokogiak.com/megapenny/ You really want to know how many pennies would fit into the Empire State Building, don’t you? Hopefully the top ones won’t fall down and
crack the sidewalk and/or kill the millions of passerby.
7. As ballast. I’ve seen five-gallon water jugs more than half-full with nothing but pennies. This will sink just about anything. Need I say more?
8. As a projectile. Grasp penny with thumb and middle finger of your better snapping hand. Bend arm and tilt it so it’s parallel to the ground. Snap fingers, which acts to launch penny with middle finger. Aim and repeat until you strike annoying classmate or co-worker square in the forehead. Proceed to settle out of court for many, many megapennies.
9. As components of a radio. Like this little radio here. That's right, you can build a three-penny radio for the cost of more than three pennies.

10. As payback. Ever owe anyone and hear them say “I want you to pay back every penny you owe me?” and then take them at their word? Pay them back in pennies. This would of course, not do you any benefit if you're trying to accomplish Unconventional Use # 3, however, if that's not any of your concern, then go right ahead and knock yourself out. Additionally, if your mother asks you to do your two-cents worth around the house, do just that. Give her a couple Lincoln cents and be done with it.

Disclaimer: Seriously, some of these uses are dangerous if you don't know what you're doing, so as I said, use your common *cents* wisely.

If you don't own a gun, don't take English

After two years of high school English, I have decided that the point of taking an English class is to convince you not to murder. Why do I think this? Here's the evidence:

Think about it:
In The Pearl (Steinbeck) Kino (dad) decides that he must attempt to attack the trackers following his family but as he is about to attack, his son cries, waking the sleeping trackers. When one of the trackers fires his rifle in the direction of the cry, Kino kills the trackers in a violent fury. Then Kino slowly realizes that the first rifle shot killed his son in the cave.
Message: don't kill your baby.
In Crime and Punishment (Dostoevsky) Svidrigailov shoots himself. Raskolnikov axes the old pawnbroker Alyona Ivanovna and her sister, Lizaveta. The ax is a weapon and so is a gun, and I'm sure if Raskolnikov had a gun at his easy disposal he would've used a gun instead. So it works, and even if you still disagree, the case of Svidrigailov still proves my point.
Message: don't kill a pawnshop owner, her sister, or yourself.
In The Last of the Mohicans (Cooper) Hawkeye shoots Magua and he plummets to his death.
Message: don't kill Indians.
In The Oedipus Trilogy (Sophocles) Everybody pretty much dies from a weapon. I'm pretty sure if they had guns then, that would've been everybody's method of doing so.
Message: don't kill your dad and fuck your mom, pull out your eyeballs or hang yourself.
In To Kill A Mockingbird (Lee) everybody's racist and decides they're going to lynch Tom Robinson, which fails, but he is eventually shot anyways.
Message: don't lynch.
In A Day No Pigs Would Die (Peck) the dad axes his son's pet pig.  
Message: don't kill your son's pig.
In Fahrenheit 451 (Bradbury) Montag turns the flamethrower on Beatty and burns him to ashes.
Message: don't kill your boss. 
In Hamlet (Shakespeare) pretty much everybody is killed  - just as in other Shakespeare, such as Romeo & Juliet, Antony & Cleopatra, Macbeth, Julius Caesar, etc. - with swords, except for Cleopatra and her snake. That pretty much took care of anything written by Shakespeare, a substantial chunk of 'classic English literature.' 
Message: don't kill your family members, your lover, your king, or yourself.
In The Most Dangerous Game (Connell) Rainsford is guided to an island inhabited by General Zaroff (a man-hunter) by the sound of a shotgun. Fault one of the gun. He is then hunted by Zaroff (who hunts with a gun). Fault two of the gun. Rainsford sneaks into Zaroff's bedroom for revenge and kills him. So at just about every level, guns can be held accountable for the sequence of bad events.  
Message: don't own a gun or follow the sound of one being shot.
In Of Mice and Men (Steinbeck) Lennie, the retarded friend, accidentally kills the foreman's wife and flees to a pool of the Salinas River where George, the best friend, designated an emergency meeting place. The men at the ranch discover what has happened and gather together a lynch party, so George finds Lennie. George tells Lennie the story of the farm they will have together and as he describes the rabbits that Lennie will tend, the sound of the approaching lynch party grows louder so George shoots his friend in the back of the head. Message: don't be friends with someone huge and stupid because you'll have to mercy-kill them anyways.



Therefore, if you have no insatiable need to kill, is English class a necessity? Questionable.

If you're planning on killing, spend a few semesters in English class. If the feeling is still there, well then it's probably legitimate and important that you do, so I say go for it.